Mission Impossible

There are nights (many nights) when you wake up crying. I usually try to ignore it (trust me, it's better for both of us) but sometimes it gets to the point where you start to convince me that there might actually be a monster under your bed. So, I walk down the hall like a sleepy elephant, bumping into walls and tripping over my own feet. I first try to soothe you back to sleep with my soft voice and a gentle pat on the back. If that doesn't work, I rip you out of bed and shove a bottle of water in your mouth. Eventually you fall back asleep... and this is when the trouble begins...

Mission Impossible: DON'T WAKE THE BABY

Obstacle 1 is walking out of your room. This part is relatively easy because luckily, there is carpet, and I am able to time my steps to the waves that your Sleep Sound Machine makes.

Obstacle 2. Did I say luckily there is carpet? Scratch that. There is too much of it, and closing the door against the thick carpet makes a really loud "swisssssshhhhhhhh" sound. Again, if I time that with the sound of the fake waves I am able to close it in 3 attempts.

Obstacle 3. This:


The gate that will prevent you from falling out of your crib, opening your own door, walking down the hall and falling down the stairs. The gate that sounds like prison doors closing. So opening and closing it in the middle of the night is not an option. I have to climb over it. During the day I can do this no problem. But at night, my limbs are heavy, and my body is rubbery. Fifty percent of the time I successfully make the leap. The other fifty percent results in a CLANG! that slaps the quiet night in its balls. You wake up. Repeat soft voice, gentle pat, rip up, shove water, obstacle 1, 2, 3...

Obstacle 4 is walking down the hall. Tiptoeing is never a good idea. I am too clumsy for that at 2:32am. No, instead I need both feet flat on the ground. I know exactly where the floor creaks. I avoid those spots like land mines. But I have to step every so softly, equal weight on each foot. I must make lucid movements, relax my body, because if I don't...

BONE SNAP! How is it even POSSIBLE for one's body to make such a loud noise!!?? I curse you old, out-of-shape body!!! DO SOME YOGA, G'DAMMIT. Sometimes you hear these bone snaps and it's back to square one, repeat soft voice, gentle pat, blah, blah, blah.

Obstacle 5, I am back in bed, I can't fall asleep. 5 minutes later, it's 6:30am, and I have to wake up...