Look, a plane! A stupid plane!

When you were 6 months and 3 days old, I flew with you. Alone. The letter below is actually not a letter to you, it's a letter I never intend on sending to the airline. My form of venting. Your mama's crazy. Enjoy...

Dear Northwest/Delta Airlines,

Shame on you. SHAME! You are bad, bad people. I have been truly disappointed by you, and I will tell you why.

Recently, I flew on a red eye with my 6 month old son... our first flight on our own. Naturally, I was anxious about almost every aspect of the experience, so I allowed myself plenty of time to get through security, to pre-board, etc.

What did I just say? I said PRE-BOARD. You're confused? Silly me... let me explain.

Pre-boarding allows people traveling with small children (therefore one million other things as well) or people who need assistance (like, I don't know, help getting out of their WHEELCHAIR) extra time to board the airplane. Extra time BEFORE the rest of the hurried travelers race for their tiny seats.

So, now that you're familiar with the concept... WHY DON'T YOU OFFER THAT???

That night, I stood near the little man at the door scanning tickets, pushing my stroller back and forth, balancing my diaper bag and my small suitcase in my two arms (only have 2 people) and waited for you to call pre-boarding. I watched as first class skipped through the door like business jolly ranchers. I watched as the "elite gold card members" took their sweet ass time. Soon after, I realized everyone and their mother seem to be in possession of this elite card, so I came to my senses, slipped into aggressive mother mode, and charged to the front of the line...

"I need to board NOW sir."
"That's fine, I just called your row."
"Damn straight you're letting me board NOW because that's what I said. IN YOUR FACE! NOW!"

All charged up, I go to board the plane before the rest of the non-elite. But, by the time I ditch the stroller and car seat on the jetway, gather my belongings and my kid, everyone else is somehow already there. Oh, and there's no room overhead for my stuff as far as the eye can see. Thanks to the stranger in 41B, who offered to hold my son while I dealt with the flight attendant who reluctantly dealt with my bag, I was finally able to board your stupid, ugly airplane. Notice the missing PRE from the word BOARD.

I flew on that red-eye thinking... wow I've really got to pay better attention next time. I totally missed the pre-boarding call! Pull yourself together, Siri, you're a mother now! YOU PRE-BOARD AIRPLANES!

Well, apparently I don't. Because on the return flight when I went to check when pre-boarding was because, you see, I missed it last time, your employee's EMBARRASSED response was, "Well, ma'am, I'm sorry, but they don't like us to announce that anymore."

So I ask you... on what planet is it inconvenient for you to offer a few extra minutes to those in need of it? You used to do it. Why did you stop? Were babies and the elderly pissing on the empty seats? Were other customers complaining that they needed just as much extra time to set up their g4's and their portable dvd players and their fluffy little neck pillows?

It's confusing to me. So one more time... shame on you. SHAME!

This post was way too long.