When you were 5 months old, I spilled an entire cup of hot coffee in your lap.
That sounds pretty bad but let me assure you, it was. We were at a large market, so factor in an audience and it was actually more than pretty bad. At least it felt that way, to me, and most likely to you too (I can't imagine a lapful of hot coffee feels pleasant).
Your dad and I decided to stop at the little Starbucks inside of the market where he purchased an iced beverage (smart, of course) and I purchased a hot ass mother f'ing cup of HOT. I set it down in the cup holder of your non-moving stroller, only for a second, while I did something unimportant like check my cell phone or pick my nose. And then I reached for it. And, in slow-motion, the lid went flying and the hot liquid attacked your little body.
Fine, I'm being slightly dramatic. You had a blanket over your legs (thank god) and the majority of the coffee hit the floor.
BUT, some of it, enough of it, fell on the blanket. You felt it. Your face, and your scream, left no doubt in my mind that you felt it. As your father calmly dealt with the mess, you and I quickly left the store and our audience behind and sat outside in shame. I quickly decided I would tell no one. And then I quickly texted my mom, sister and closest friends and told them what I had just done.
You were fine. You settled down pretty quickly. But not before a man from the market came out and offered me a new cup of coffee. I declined. I'm so glad you have a short memory right now. By the time you read this, you'll be all grown up and we'll have a good chuckle over markets and coffee and babies and silly mommies. Hilarious!
Oh and by the way, the whole incident went down just days after I bonked your face against a headboard that left a mark. I keep wondering, will your father ever make a mistake like this? I mean, can't he drop you? A little bit. A LITTLE BIT! Geez, never mind.
I suppose if someone inflicts pain on you, it should be me. Because if anyone else were to I would have to MURDER them DEAD with my GUN. (Your father is an exception though. He can drop you a little. I said A LITTLE.)